She wasn't mine last week.
I only know her from from the shouts i heard in the hallway, and her nurse's exasperated look when she can't be settled. I know that her tiny frail body body takes nothing to boost up to the top of the bed.
When we really meet, i say "I'm going to ask you three silly questions." and she tells me her name and where we are. She can't remember the rest.
She doesn't say much at first. Says she's fine. Nothing else. But i keep making dumb jokes, and i don't let her send me away, and after a little while, there's a look, a tiny glint in the eyes and the beginnings of a smirk on the side of her mouth that the stroke didn't smear.
I try to make her comfortable. I show her the call bell. When i ask if she needs anything she says no. I say i'll come back and bother her again in an hour and she laughs and says she'll look forward to it.
Later I bring her some pills. Some juice. More pills. Each time I leave I ask again if she needs anything. She says:
"A million dollars"
"A trip to Barbados"
"A Good looking man"
I brush her teeth with a little sponge on a stick. Wash her face. She tells she feels human again. She says its been a long time, I brush it off and say something silly in response and i don't let myself think about it.
Later it will break my heart.
Each time I care for her she compliments me. Says i'm pretty. (debatable). Says I have nice teeth. (a lie). She tries to feed me cookies. These are the only things she has to give, and these compliments come with apologies. She sorry she needs to be cared for. Sorry i am stuck with her. Sorry to waste my time. She's sorry she had to go to the bathroom.
I refuse the apologies.
"Everyone poops" i tell her. "There's even a book about it for children" and she laughs.
Eventually, she stops trying to make it up to me and at odd moments we talk a little about travel and she tells me a funny story. Its long and can't quite catch all of the words, but i try my best to laugh the right amount at the right times and she believes me and pats my arm with that now satisfied smirk.
She says i am too kind to her.
"Impossible!" i say.
Again, she insists.
"No", I tell her, this time resolute.
"There is no such thing as too much kindness"
She wakes up disoriented in the night, and begins to slip back into confusion. By morning the smile is gone and when I ask her if there's anything i can do for her she says "shoot me".
All my dumb jokes can't bring the smile back, and we are both of us defeated.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Dream
The road through the valley was blocked, choked with crowds of people milling about. We could have picked our way through, shuffling along at a near standstill, mumbling our pardons and apologies for trod-on toes and banged up shins, but I was too impatient to wait.
"come with me"
I grabbed his arm, spun back the way we'd come and took off at a brisk run. We circled around, heading up the mountain pass and once we were out of sight I let the speed take me over. My stride lengthened until the polite little hopping steps I'd been using we're eaten up by a long rolling gallop. My arms reached out in front of me, fingers digging into the ground for purchase and hurling me forward, momentum building with each pull. I could feel the boy tugging at my hip, struggling to keep up.
"RUN!", I snarled, my voice already ragged and rasping through my too wide grin.
"come with me"
I grabbed his arm, spun back the way we'd come and took off at a brisk run. We circled around, heading up the mountain pass and once we were out of sight I let the speed take me over. My stride lengthened until the polite little hopping steps I'd been using we're eaten up by a long rolling gallop. My arms reached out in front of me, fingers digging into the ground for purchase and hurling me forward, momentum building with each pull. I could feel the boy tugging at my hip, struggling to keep up.
"RUN!", I snarled, my voice already ragged and rasping through my too wide grin.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
A Sunday Smile
Things are good here.
We've got some changes coming down the pipe, but without the usual sense of dread and panicky damage control. It's a good feeling to be able to look a challenge in the eye and see an unexpected opportunity for growth and positive change.
We've got good things lining up for us too, Kris' business is hopping, I've got two weddings lined up to shoot this fall. I'm working locum shifts at the Ottawa Humane Society, which I love, and the job at the Civic seems to have finally solidified into something concrete. It has taken the better part of the summer to happen, but it will be an excellent foot in the door for next summer, not to mention post graduation.
We're actually adopting that dog I was talking about earlier. It's embarrassing how excited we are to bring him home. I was sure it would be at least a year after graduation before we'd even be able to think about it, so its a really welcome surprise to be a full two years ahead of schedule. Even Kris' parents are excited, despite initially trying to talk us out of it. (parental obligation, nothing personal lol).
Blue skies is less than ONE WEEK away!! Kristin and Mason will be joining us this year, so that's super exciting, and I'm of course looking forward to seeing all the usual suspects too!
My parents serendipitously bought a house in Victoria, and there is talk of west coast visits sometime soon. They seem really happy with it, and it must be a really good feeling for them to have established such a firm foothold in their west coast adventure.
I finally got round to spray painting my little black beater bike. I had a lot of fun doing it, and I'm really pleased with with how it turned out. It's perfectly obnoxious - gold glitter with fluorescent pink forks and black metallic splatter a la Maxx. Despite my intention to keep the beater look I may just have to indulge in a hot pink bike chain to top it all off. Heh.
That's all for now,
Talk soon,
Apes.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
little dudes
Happy plants! Seeing these little dudes first thing in the morning -they live in my shower - never fails to put me in a good mood. :D
This one too.... with the super pretty pink-y greens....
This one too.... with the super pretty pink-y greens....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Memory
The days are getting warmer, but the air is still cool and smells like rain and rivers most of the time. Inside the house, my Grandmother and my Aunt are baking sugar cookies. Most will be shaped like bunnies, and eggs, and Easter baskets. Despite being well out of season, a few will be shaped like bats, at my firm insistence, for Batman, of course.
Too busy for baking, I am outside, climbing the picnic table and gleefully flinging myself off of it again, endlessly entertained and completely immune to self trauma. I could fight bad guys and villains all afternoon and never tire. I am invincible, as only a child can be.
Tied snugly around my neck is a ratty blue tea towel that has seen better and more dignified days. Its crocheted, covered in pale blue flowers with buttery yellow centers. At one end, the dark blue border is stretched out into two long, irregular points, where it ties under my chin. This is, undoubtedly, my favourite cape.
I am running down the length of the table, about to hurl myself through the air, when something changes...
I can't say what it is that catches my attention first. It might have been the way the light seems to disappear from the sky, siphoned away like liquid below the horizon, or it might be the way the clouds seem suddenly oppressively and suffocatingly close, grown thick with shadows and menace.
My body has frozen. I cannot move. At the end of the table i am stopped for all time, eyes glued to the rapidly darkening sky. All I can do is stare and stare. There are no sounds. The entire world has emptied. A slow panic builds, my guts make lazy loop-de loops, building waves of nausea. My throat closes, to stop them from escaping. My heart hammers in my chest.
Nothing is right.
Scream.
But no sound will come. I try and try but all the sounds are gone and i can not make any new ones.
I spend an eternity there, in a world gone still.
Paralyzed.
Waiting.
Suddenly, my body goes limp as I am swept, like a quaking leaf, into the air by a pair of strong, well furred arms. My grandfather has come to collect me. I burst into tears, at once relieved and terrified. He's looking at me, brow wrinkled in puzzlement. I bounce in his arms as he carries me towards the porch, bawling nonsense syllables and sucking air back into my lungs huge ragged gasps.
I cannot speak it. Cannot tell.
I never knew what happened.
Too busy for baking, I am outside, climbing the picnic table and gleefully flinging myself off of it again, endlessly entertained and completely immune to self trauma. I could fight bad guys and villains all afternoon and never tire. I am invincible, as only a child can be.
Tied snugly around my neck is a ratty blue tea towel that has seen better and more dignified days. Its crocheted, covered in pale blue flowers with buttery yellow centers. At one end, the dark blue border is stretched out into two long, irregular points, where it ties under my chin. This is, undoubtedly, my favourite cape.
I am running down the length of the table, about to hurl myself through the air, when something changes...
I can't say what it is that catches my attention first. It might have been the way the light seems to disappear from the sky, siphoned away like liquid below the horizon, or it might be the way the clouds seem suddenly oppressively and suffocatingly close, grown thick with shadows and menace.
My body has frozen. I cannot move. At the end of the table i am stopped for all time, eyes glued to the rapidly darkening sky. All I can do is stare and stare. There are no sounds. The entire world has emptied. A slow panic builds, my guts make lazy loop-de loops, building waves of nausea. My throat closes, to stop them from escaping. My heart hammers in my chest.
Nothing is right.
Scream.
But no sound will come. I try and try but all the sounds are gone and i can not make any new ones.
I spend an eternity there, in a world gone still.
Paralyzed.
Waiting.
Suddenly, my body goes limp as I am swept, like a quaking leaf, into the air by a pair of strong, well furred arms. My grandfather has come to collect me. I burst into tears, at once relieved and terrified. He's looking at me, brow wrinkled in puzzlement. I bounce in his arms as he carries me towards the porch, bawling nonsense syllables and sucking air back into my lungs huge ragged gasps.
I cannot speak it. Cannot tell.
I never knew what happened.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So,
I told my parents about the MRI thing tonight, about what happened at the theatre, and the referral to neurology, and waiting to hear back about when the test will be, and i told them its not really a big deal. That there's no point in worrying until somebody has answers, that it would be silly to get worked up about something that might be nothing.
I told them all the things i've been telling myself all week.
But when i told them that i had given their number to my friends in case anything DID happen again, thats when my mom just started to cry and cry and cry.
There was a thick silence right before the sobs welled up, that tiny space in time where her brain calculated all the long distances between us, and all the terrible great unknowns, and all the what ifs and all the possible outcomes and end points.
Later, there was a scramble of words, as she tried to fix it, as though she could just Mom the situation into something acceptable for all of us.
Silence again, when she couldn't.
I told them all the things i've been telling myself all week.
But when i told them that i had given their number to my friends in case anything DID happen again, thats when my mom just started to cry and cry and cry.
There was a thick silence right before the sobs welled up, that tiny space in time where her brain calculated all the long distances between us, and all the terrible great unknowns, and all the what ifs and all the possible outcomes and end points.
Later, there was a scramble of words, as she tried to fix it, as though she could just Mom the situation into something acceptable for all of us.
Silence again, when she couldn't.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Warm Weather Nocturne - a haiku lullabye
Night time Sounds of spring
Cats yowl in full lordosis
Close the window. Now.
Cats yowl in full lordosis
Close the window. Now.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
after the after party
frittering away the afternoon...
My voice is tired, my smile ragged.
It has been good birthday, celebrated in proper fashion, with much singing and drinking.
And with the finest of peeps. (save a few far flung stragglers who will be slapped once and hugged twice when next they come to ottawa town)
Its been lovely.
The stick-up kids have been busy in the warm weather, and i found hoards of new art on the way home from breakfast (Stela and Haunty, and some WZRD gng too, of course). As i was shooting, on three separate occasions, three strangers asked me to take their pictures. (which is maybe an indication that the stranger portrait series really needs to get rolling again - i mean, if the universe is practically begging me to continue, who am i to resist?)
So there's that to keep me busy this evening, with maybe an after dark run, and most definitely a pot of strong tea and a hot bubble bath.
and hopefully, finally , (finally!) I will tell you all about a dream, so rich it has been distracting me for days, a deliriously vivid snippet of a history that never existed.
talk soon.
<3
A.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Bus Haiku
on the long long ride to Kanata this friday morning
Mylar heart balloon
Crimson in crumpled defeat
Dumb trees grope rudely
Mylar heart balloon
Crimson in crumpled defeat
Dumb trees grope rudely
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
the power of awesome will heal you
I made this for a wounded comrade back at Kanata Animal Hospital. Lets just say it was a slow saturday.... lol.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
'ku
Cursed by genetics,
Our children will be mutants.
Hot, Dictator mutants.
Smile becomes grimace
Three grand in dental surg. is
More than i can chew
Our children will be mutants.
Hot, Dictator mutants.
Smile becomes grimace
Three grand in dental surg. is
More than i can chew
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Watch me as i disappear
an self portrait born of experiments in back lighting and kamikaze filter layering.
not baaad for a midnight fit of sleeplessness and boredom.
i sometimes find it strange to see snapshots of myself, in certain stages of my life.
Curious how they can mask the larger underlying currents, or starkly and startlingly reveal them, depending on - i don't even know what.
here
the washed out, insubstantial haziness is accurate. I have felt all winter like a dull and lusterless parody of myself, slipping further and further from my own ambitions. Nothing satisfies. I am restless, impotent and irritable, and eternally exhausted. Ghosting. A dumb spectre.
the smile vexes.
complacent or complicit
as of yet, i do not know.
not baaad for a midnight fit of sleeplessness and boredom.
i sometimes find it strange to see snapshots of myself, in certain stages of my life.
Curious how they can mask the larger underlying currents, or starkly and startlingly reveal them, depending on - i don't even know what.
here
the washed out, insubstantial haziness is accurate. I have felt all winter like a dull and lusterless parody of myself, slipping further and further from my own ambitions. Nothing satisfies. I am restless, impotent and irritable, and eternally exhausted. Ghosting. A dumb spectre.
the smile vexes.
complacent or complicit
as of yet, i do not know.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
golem
The last few weeks have been short, and too full of mundane activity; the dull kind of busyness that eats up my spare time, and leaves not much of interest to talk about.
Today I woke up feeling ragged and washed out; flea bitten and scabby. My eyes are red and bleary, raw from trying to rub them into some kind of focus.
At work, I force feed the unfortunately named Nyx. She came to us days ago, barely alive, exhausted by the efforts of taking breath, unable to lift her head, little more than a husk. Beyond repair, we were certain she would die.
Tonight she has summoned enough energy to hate me. She exhausts herself fighting against the tiny mouthfulls of food i slowly poke into her. She gags and retches, barely able to breathe around swallowing.
You have to eat.
Her eyes and sinuses are gummed shut with viral slime. I clean the crust off of her eyelashes and wait for her to catch her breath. She wheezes and focuses her eyes on me.
improvement.
Slowly, she eats enough to qualify as a meal. She turns her head defiantly as i wipe away the thick ropes of food and drool that hang from her chin. I clean her face and paws, clean her eyes again.
In my arms i hold a tiny cat shaped golem, made of twigs and paper.
exhausted.
impossibly thin.
and yet she persists.
Rubbing her chin, i think about my two Skinny Boys being adopted, ( a thing i've been working towards for months) and am shocked by the sudden sharp slap of sadness. I gasp with the pang of the realization of how much i will miss them.
Fat tears squeeze out of my eyes and plop rudely on the back of Nyx's skinny neck. I blink them back but its too late. I think about the growing list of faces i miss and add my Skinny Boys to it. I think about all the things that keep me awake at night, and all the things i am afraid of. My cheeks burn as more tears slide down them.
Through my sobs a tiny sound reaches me. Far, far away, at the distant tips of my fingers the faintest of rumbles begins to grow.
Nyx's eyes are closed.
Her entire body rattles with an obscenely loud purr.
i am forgiven.
persist.
Today I woke up feeling ragged and washed out; flea bitten and scabby. My eyes are red and bleary, raw from trying to rub them into some kind of focus.
At work, I force feed the unfortunately named Nyx. She came to us days ago, barely alive, exhausted by the efforts of taking breath, unable to lift her head, little more than a husk. Beyond repair, we were certain she would die.
Tonight she has summoned enough energy to hate me. She exhausts herself fighting against the tiny mouthfulls of food i slowly poke into her. She gags and retches, barely able to breathe around swallowing.
You have to eat.
Her eyes and sinuses are gummed shut with viral slime. I clean the crust off of her eyelashes and wait for her to catch her breath. She wheezes and focuses her eyes on me.
improvement.
Slowly, she eats enough to qualify as a meal. She turns her head defiantly as i wipe away the thick ropes of food and drool that hang from her chin. I clean her face and paws, clean her eyes again.
In my arms i hold a tiny cat shaped golem, made of twigs and paper.
exhausted.
impossibly thin.
and yet she persists.
Rubbing her chin, i think about my two Skinny Boys being adopted, ( a thing i've been working towards for months) and am shocked by the sudden sharp slap of sadness. I gasp with the pang of the realization of how much i will miss them.
Fat tears squeeze out of my eyes and plop rudely on the back of Nyx's skinny neck. I blink them back but its too late. I think about the growing list of faces i miss and add my Skinny Boys to it. I think about all the things that keep me awake at night, and all the things i am afraid of. My cheeks burn as more tears slide down them.
Through my sobs a tiny sound reaches me. Far, far away, at the distant tips of my fingers the faintest of rumbles begins to grow.
Nyx's eyes are closed.
Her entire body rattles with an obscenely loud purr.
i am forgiven.
persist.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Two Skinny Boys
Just putting out feelers for people who might be interested in adding a cat to their posse...if you're not but you know someone who might be, please forward this along as you see fit!
We have TWO handsome boys available who were surrendered to the hospital by their owner.
They are both neutered and (nearly) up to date on their vaccines (final vaccines are already paid for and will cost YOU nothing! Isn't THAT nice for a a change??! :-P ) They need a little love and fattening, but other than that are in great shape.
WILFORD is a 5 year old male, brown tabby with white paws and face blaze. He is very handsome with a long coat and, though shy at first, very friendly. He loves having his chin and ears rubbed and will head butt you in appreciation, or do his tippy-toe dance if you really get him going. His fur had to be shaved because of matting, so he looks a bit funny at the moment, but will be pret-teh gorgeous when it grows in again. This boy will likely have a big personality once he makes himself at home!
THE BOY is an 11 year old,medium haired, black and white male with the most GORGEOUS pale green eyes. He is the more timid of the two and would do best in a home where he is the only cat. (we were told that Wilford used to boss him around quite a bit... poor boy!) He's a little shy, but very very sweet and just needs a little bit of convincing that we mean to spoil him. Check those Peepers!
If you are interested, please don't hesitate to contact me for more information, OR better still...swing by the hospital and introduce yourself to the boys.
Thanks for readin'!
A.
We have TWO handsome boys available who were surrendered to the hospital by their owner.
They are both neutered and (nearly) up to date on their vaccines (final vaccines are already paid for and will cost YOU nothing! Isn't THAT nice for a a change??! :-P ) They need a little love and fattening, but other than that are in great shape.
WILFORD is a 5 year old male, brown tabby with white paws and face blaze. He is very handsome with a long coat and, though shy at first, very friendly. He loves having his chin and ears rubbed and will head butt you in appreciation, or do his tippy-toe dance if you really get him going. His fur had to be shaved because of matting, so he looks a bit funny at the moment, but will be pret-teh gorgeous when it grows in again. This boy will likely have a big personality once he makes himself at home!
THE BOY is an 11 year old,medium haired, black and white male with the most GORGEOUS pale green eyes. He is the more timid of the two and would do best in a home where he is the only cat. (we were told that Wilford used to boss him around quite a bit... poor boy!) He's a little shy, but very very sweet and just needs a little bit of convincing that we mean to spoil him. Check those Peepers!
If you are interested, please don't hesitate to contact me for more information, OR better still...swing by the hospital and introduce yourself to the boys.
Thanks for readin'!
A.
"Did I SAY you could stop??" Wilford can hardly believe my audacity in interrupting a chin scratch to take a silly picture....
The Boy with his big green eyes. Ahhh-dorable!
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Cat Piano
Kittens,
It has been an awfully weird christmas, and i am delighted to put the year 2009 in its grave.
Likely 1010 will be all about elbow grease and determination, which admittedly does not sound like much fun, but at least there's some semblance of a plan.
its not much, but i'll take it.
And on a totally unrelated note, and because i am sick to death of christmas, and because i was reminded of it last night in a conversation at the NYE party, and because it is pretty in a great many ways,
here is:
The Cat Piano.
J'adore.
It has been an awfully weird christmas, and i am delighted to put the year 2009 in its grave.
Likely 1010 will be all about elbow grease and determination, which admittedly does not sound like much fun, but at least there's some semblance of a plan.
its not much, but i'll take it.
And on a totally unrelated note, and because i am sick to death of christmas, and because i was reminded of it last night in a conversation at the NYE party, and because it is pretty in a great many ways,
here is:
The Cat Piano.
J'adore.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
swagger
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit....
*fans the air excitedly*
you know when you make a bunch of stuff and you're just sort of like "blaaaaaaaagh....", and then you make one thing that climbs right to the top of the pile, and you look at it, and it stares you right back and shamelessly wrangles and hogties your stupid sheepish insecurities and sacrifices it on an alter of self confidence and cockiness' lovechild... and then you take a sip from the cup and you're like..... "Efff... sometimes i am awesome..."
and then you start to grin like a jerk but you don't even care...because good is just GOOD and sometimes egomania is warranted...even if i DO say so myself...
...
riiight??
you know??
well...
i think this is that one...
xo
A.
*fans the air excitedly*
you know when you make a bunch of stuff and you're just sort of like "blaaaaaaaagh....", and then you make one thing that climbs right to the top of the pile, and you look at it, and it stares you right back and shamelessly wrangles and hogties your stupid sheepish insecurities and sacrifices it on an alter of self confidence and cockiness' lovechild... and then you take a sip from the cup and you're like..... "Efff... sometimes i am awesome..."
and then you start to grin like a jerk but you don't even care...because good is just GOOD and sometimes egomania is warranted...even if i DO say so myself...
...
riiight??
you know??
well...
i think this is that one...
xo
A.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
maybe
it might be 330 am
i might have sold some art tonight.
I might have shot up a burlesque show, after the gallery thing.
I may have stumbled into a metal show.
it possible that i drank too much
and could not find my way out of the car, when i was (Graciously!, Mercifully!) dropped off at home
and maybe, i might have to work tomorrow...
oh kittens! lets hope all the puppies and kitties are healthy tomorrow!
nothing can get hit by cars!
*crosses fingers*
i am drinky faced.
that is all.
i might have sold some art tonight.
I might have shot up a burlesque show, after the gallery thing.
I may have stumbled into a metal show.
it possible that i drank too much
and could not find my way out of the car, when i was (Graciously!, Mercifully!) dropped off at home
and maybe, i might have to work tomorrow...
oh kittens! lets hope all the puppies and kitties are healthy tomorrow!
nothing can get hit by cars!
*crosses fingers*
i am drinky faced.
that is all.
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